A Word of Caution

I never truly felt deprived until I grew up. Suddenly, the goals I had became unreasonable and the path from potential to achievement became murky.

There are one of two unhealthy ways you could respond to recent events. One way would be to burst onto the world, ready to be confronted, ready to fight. Another way would be to hide, to be wary of unfamiliar places and people, to shrink from that which makes you uncomfortable. One way could lead to an early death, the other will lead to a deformed life...a series of bad options, but the only ones we get.

I can't imagine what a healthy response to a toxic environment is. Do you pretend the poison isn't there or do you try to prevail over it with "the power of positive thinking"? How much ignorance can the body take? When does positive thinking without action become idiotic?

I feel deprived in the most essential way. I am deprived of the freedom of confident action, the ability to move and think freely, to have full agency. I can't do something well without my achievement being qualified and when I do wrong I can never redeem myself.

I can never quite be right, but I have no clear idea of what the wrong is.

So, what do I do? How do I thrive in a world I have no say in shaping, a world that moves too fast in the wrong direction? Who will stand with me when I ask for help? Who will vouch for me?

The problem isn't that I don't have clear answers to these questions, but that I care less about asking. I wasn't made for this world, but I'm trapped in it. Heaven help me!